Kirby! Right Back at Ya! - A Lost Episode

Heyyo stranger! Wake the fuck up! Yeah you! I gotta take you to the um… titty bar, or something? I mean people are offended by what I said in “current year” due to social networking taking over, but then again, I was already offended by this one situation that happened. I’m glad you got my attention. You see, I burnt out the memories writing stories about unfortunate tragedies long ago… as with life itself. Okay, I apologize; we haven’t met and all. I am just a total dead stranger—but at the end of it all, life is hopeless. Funny enough yours will be too after reading this.

Kirby is one of my favorite Nintendo game franchises of all time; although I also enjoy playing games from either Wario, Zelda, or Splatoon; this Nintendo game has been close to my heart ever since I owned Kirby 64 for the N64. Yes, be judgemental all you want, I grew up with high-functioning autism loving all-things Nintendo-related, and still do up to that point (and also liked soylent, also consumed Funko, EA, Disney, DC, among other things; I liked to drink wine, browsed on Reddit, tumblr, and Twitter, and I watched a lot of video essays from the likes of Quinton Reviews, Chris Stuckmann, Tony Goldmark, AniMat, MundaneMatt, Valiksibum, and Moviebob). What of it—but the one personal favorite thing about the Kirby series is the anime TV series based on the games which aired here in the US on ye ol’ English dubbed 4Kids. I mean, say what you will about 4Kids butchering other properties like Sonic or DragonBall; but even they made some good stuff like Pokemon, TMNT, and Yu-Gi-Oh. Kirby is one of the good ones. The show also consists of the Meta Knight, as well as a more southern-fried accent penguin named King Dedede. Okay, I think you heard enough about my life story. It’s as gross as it is. My love for Kirby came to a sudden close the other day, as I discovered a lost episode of the wonderful viewing program as this epic sucking pink furball turned out to be a piece of demonized succubus horror. I’ll kick dat Kirbeh to tha curb!

I waited for the next Nintendo coverage to begin via their YouTube page just to see six new Smash Bros. characters confirmed; only to find out that the stream was delayed for two more hours. Honestly I shrugged it off so I killed some time and went on a little walk on a hot Valentine’s Day. Hot. Valentine’s Day. I was walking. I was about to buy tickets to a classic cinematic masterpiece known as Birds of Prey; a film nobody appreciated and I am offended that it was sold out by a fast blue blur of a hedgehog! So my day was ruined, I ended up walking back home. Walkity walk. Whoopty scoopty poop. Poo— Wait. Then something ricocheted towards me like someone throwing a frisbee to an excited pitbull to play catch. I picked something down from the sidewalk, something I didn’t see in a long, long time (not counting Blu-Ray, may I add) was a DVD. But not just any DVD, but a copy of a lost Kirby episode. I could tell you that because it was written in Crayola blue washable marker on its top center of the disc as, “Kirby’s NEVER BEFORE SEEN LOST EP” and written at the bottom in black non-washable sharpie in small letters but still able to read, “It’s a legit never before seen episode where Kirby and Dedede rival each other in Dreamland. P.S. cant rite plz moar sharpies. :)” I was publicly but quietly nut bustin’ due to the excitement of witnessing a DVD copy of a lost episode I am physically holding at that very moment. Along with the disc in my possession, I rushed back to my 2-year placed home and fed my two cats, Saddam and Osama. After feeding my cats, I began to cook my DiGorno cheese crusted pepperoni pizza and then I began my search for my DVD player, and to my luck, while looking inside the secret basement, it was within the top drawers. Dwellers? I frantically skipped with my DVD player and my DVD disc within my possessions respectively while melodically—albeit off-key—whistling a relatable animated show theme song because us 40-year-olds like myself like relatable cartoons and NOT gross-out shows because we take animation 100 percent seriously, just like how we take superhero movies 100 percent seriously, but not video games unless if it’s Nintendo! I wrote an English essay about it a few years ago and my university teacher gave me an F on my essay, but he doesn’t know I am S-M-A-T! I took time to hook this DVD player onto my 8K HDTV, and then I put the disc in; and while I was at it, I took my already DiGorno pizza out of my oven; and along with that pizza are two nacho cheese-crusted shell tacos from Taco Bell, my two Monster flavored Kaos and Chocolate Muscle, and my Mountain Dew Typhoon—all one size meal to fit for a king! I then grabbed the remote and pushed the play button. After all, you gotta do what you gotta do anyway. Forgive me father for I have sinned.

The episode opened up in a familiar DreamLand, but in a very hollow dutch angle shot setting. The sun rises in-between the hills of DreamLand slowly but yet no music played. There were birds chirping however, so things were not just starting a bit slow but, a bit “disheveled” would make a bit more sense. The intro started but from the word go something was off. While the instrumental for the opening theme song was normal, the singer sounded a bit different. He sounded raspier; as if I assuming he was hungover from the night before the recording session and he did it on just one take considering within every interval he takes long heavy pauses, he tries too hard to hurry up, he sings too loud and off-key, and on top of that he burps every time he sings.

The episode cuts back as Dedede was seen visibly angry. “Someone here in dis here’s DreamLand’s in needuva golden showah here!” Well, okay this is a weird way to start a dialogue for a Kirby episode. A bit vulgar, especially for anyone who has different tastes in animation, but whatever; like a bitch boy I am, I soldered forth. “Yo Waddle-Dee! Pass me here dis big ol’ giant disheveled dildo! I’m just ‘bout to shove somethin’ up muh ass!” Screw it, I cannot take anymore of this, I was getting ready to shut the DVD off. However by the time I was about to turn off the episode; by the sheer power of voodoo magic; Dedede soullessly stared at me, visibly showing his bloody razor sharp teeth, with a violent command, “Turn off dis here’s important episode and I might give ya a dick throbbin’!” What the hell, I had none of this. Funny thing is, Dedede’s voice in this episode (while yea, he has a southern-fried accent and was intended to be menacing as he’s obviously the antagonist of the Kirby franchise) sounded more raspier this time around. “Hurry up wit’ dem dildos!” Dedede demanded as he became more aroused than anything. Escargon enters his living room with important news. “Waddle Dee and Waddle Doo are trapped in a cage. I’ll go find them! It was the work of Kirby all this time!” Escargon said. Like Dedede, he too sounded unusual in this episode, as he sounded a lot huskier like a ‘50s-era superhero and also sounded as if he was a bit high on weed. Doesn’t help that he wore a Grateful Dead T-shirt and a Sticky Fingers hoodie throughout the episode as if the bands had something to do with the episode as sponsorships for their world tour at the time. “I’ll find that Kirbeh, then kick dat Kirbeh to the curb, and he’ll scream his bloodeh bloodshot eyes when I’m done wit’ him!” yelled Dedede. He soon went out of the room as the next scene involves the citizens of DreamLand quarantining themselves by putting on the masks. Riots were skyrocket in DreamLand with one holding picket signs saying, “THE END IS NIGH,” “9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB,” “THE GOVERNMENT STAGED SANDY HOOK, PARIS, AND VEGAS,” “WE ARE THE LIZARDS,” and “06/06/06 AND FRIDAY THE 13TH ARE REAL DATES OF DISASTERS.” It was obvious that DreamLand was under attack with no ruler to speak of. Dedede mutters via the intercom, “War. War never changes.” Dedede began to laugh as he began to fire up the nuclear missile and then I saw a horse neighing about the end of the world for a few seconds before a sudden nuclear fallout explosion. Then, the citizens were turned into skeletons with top hats, canes, bow ties, and monocles, respectively. During the apocalypse, King Dedede and Escargon wandered around finding Waddles and Kirby. “I’m ‘bout to give dis Kirbeh’s a blowjob.” Dedede sinisterly muttered. Few seconds after that happened, Kirby was seen on a statue with memorialm text shown in said statue in Comic Sans font. In a look of awe, depression, and disappointment, Dedede realized that what he made was a mistake and that Kirby is gone. Escargon told Dedede, “Welcome to Nightmare Land.” The camera pans out slowly to the decaying ruins of DreamLand with no audio playing before cutting to black and ending the episode. The episode ends with lower-case Comic Sans text that reads, “The Kirbyvirus is real. :)”

What in the name of Doug Walker did I just watch. I couldn’t even finish my meal, I was so petrified. I took the DVD out and tiptoed myself to the bathroom with my DVD in my possession and cried for two days straight. When I got out of the bathroom, a knock was at the door. I slowly opened the door and it was a real life penguin. A penguin that somehow gained extra pounds (given what someone did to the poor creature), and moved, walked, talked, and breathe like humans such as you and me. Strange, I wonder as to what he was doing wandering around the neighborhood. He grinned and said to me in the exact same voice as the show I've just watched, “Are you secretly Dedede?” I thought to myself with my stomach and all, not to mention my feelings and condolences to any and every penguin out there. I said to myself with a southern accent, “Yes. Yes I am.” I admitted that I am a penguin and a ruler of Dream Land, as too with the penguin that walked into my door. I mean, creepypastas, SCP foundations, lost video games or episodes, mythical creatures… they are made by imagination. I am an imagination. My cats are imagination. Dreams are also imagination. The land we live in is an imagination. I came to the conclusion that we’re just nothing but an illusion inside. We are skeletons. If you are a skeleton that has met another skeleton, just treat yourself like one. Even if the world ends, we shouldn’t panic amongst ourselves. Just be kind to ourselves for the greater good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna grab some mail.

MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL!