Sonic: Recovery

For years I have been an avid Sonic the Hedgehog fan, but there’s this one Sonic game that made me shiver me timbers... if you...um...know what I mean. It all began when I was at a retro video game store on that one fine fateful day. I was browsing and rummaging all throughout the store for a classic PC game, something like the first Need for Speed to name a few. As I was walking to the counter, I tried to look for someone so I could ask for some rare games I could find. But what I’ve encountered was something that resembled like hell. The cashier was lying down unconsciously with writings of the following: pentagrams, something about the devil’s wrath, calculating the days of Friday the 13th within every year, something about government conspiracies involving the holocaust, the JFK assassination, Vietnam war, Tienanmen Square riots, 9/11 attacks, Paris and Vegas shootings, H1N1 and coronavirus pandemics, or George Floyd and Jeffery Epstein deaths, plus every instances of the number 666 featuring variant drawings of the pentagram and how human evolution should’ve faded away long ago. I thought nothing of it, I just wanna pick up a retro game that even emulators don’t have. Luckily, the fainted cashier was holding something that might be true to our hearts. It was a lost Sonic the Hedgehog game! Yes I can tell, because he was holding a PC copy of a disgruntled, much sadder Sonic the Hedgehog looking down on his red speedy shoes. Without anyone noticing, I snuck around the cashier by grabbing the game in my possession, as I replaced it with a Family Guy DVD on his hand. I mean, it was free anyway, so I ran off and went back to my apartment complex. I got my laptop out and put the disc in. Strange considering the disc was running normally, but the game was a totally different story.''' '''

I am greeted with a main menu featuring the titular blue hedgehog. “Hey kid, wanna see somethin’ cool or excitin’?!” he spurted out, “In this game, I get to cause severe havoc and destruction to the world! #TPoseOnDatChiliDog'' The next cutscene involves Tails looking a bit umm… disheveled? Is that the right word? Anyway, he wasn’t mentally looking or feeling like himself. He runs to Sonic in a more worrying tone, “Sonic, Dr. Eggman is about to control the entire Green Hill! What are we gonna do?” A couple seconds of awkward pausing later and he responded, “Good!” Strange, I thought. You’d think he would foil the egg-shaped human for taking over the world. Hell, I’d thought the same, except that wasn’t the case. So immediately Sonic ran and the scene cuts to him working for Eggman by plotting to destroy Tails. “Say kid, do you want to destroy Green Hill Zone once and for all? First, press the C button to annihilate the chili dog outta that flyin’ fox!” he commanded me. I didn’t want to do it if I’m being perfectly honest. Seriously, what WAS this game?  

Sure Sonic Team was kinda known for making crap by the time they’ve put themselves in the 3D platform world (there are exceptions, mind you), but they did not go this far. I was hesitant to do something, but because of what Sonic told me to do something for the next stage, I pressed onward and pressed C on the keyboard and something tragic happened that, for the life of me, at least I was glad this game was not rated by the ESRB, all things considered. Tails was flying to collect rings as normal, but Sonic pistol-whipped Tails with a Remington shotgun because this is America. He was seen photo-realistically bleeding with Sonic now T-Posing as if there was some type of glitch a la Sonic Boom or Sonic ‘06, except more chaotic.

Speaking of the latter, the next stage takes place in Silver and Blaze’s hub world to stop against Mephiles. Mephiles morphs into Sonic himself burning the universe’s ashes stone cold. Elise was seen captured by Eggman. The next level was in the Unleashed universe where after Sonic transforms into a werehog, but there’s no turning back because he’s a werehog forever. Chip gets eaten alive. Amy watches the horror unveil. The next level is the Adventure duology. After City Escape, Shadow finally takes over the city and Eggman finally PISSES ON THE MOON. 23 hours have passed, both have collected them damn chaos emeralds. The final level is with Scratch and Grounder congratulating Eggman. “Congratulations, you malutious evil-doerness!” complimented Scratch. “I concur, this is the best work you’ve ever done!” Eggman replied, “Exactly. Now I got myself a promotion thanks to being all of me, if you catch me drift! Press H to make me… my mean bean machine!” I sighed and facepalmed but I had to do it anyway because this game lost all logic. Eggman’s lair exploded, the world exploded, the universe exploded. Albeit, hyper-realistic. What followed was the final rendered cutscene with all the characters in the Sonic universe in hell! Sonic says, “Wow, that was totally cool!” Satan then approaches him and says, “I agree. That was some admirable work. Just one quick question if you don’t mind me asking. How exactly did you accomplish this? Was this part of your scheme from Sega? Are you even a real hedgehog?” Sonic responds to his last question with the following, “Oh Satan, you’re hilarious! I’m not a hedgehog! Heck, we’re not even real animals! We are the lizards!” The camera then pans to Sonic’s eyes as his pupils sliver like almonds.